What I Think
We all have filters for each other. Every day we hear people from the place we are listening from. Keep this in mind when you react to your spouse. A lot of what we say to each other, when we’re in stressful situations, comes from a place of fear, abandonment, the need to survive, not being taken advantage of, not being appreciated, or being mistrusted.
I know it’s hard, but try to take a moment to think about where the other person may be coming from. Perhaps you will hear them with a different filter than the one you have on now. Don’t let yourself be trapped in your old ways of doing things, handling issues, discussing problems. Let yourself evolve in your relationship with each other.
You are not only mediating your separation agreement, you are breaking your cycles, undoing old habits with each other and building new ways to communicate. The goal is to move through this stage in your life and create a relationship between the two of you that allows you to be solid, responsible and caring parents to your kids.
Own Your Own Feelings Not Each Other’s
Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Actually, give each other a break. You are going through one of the hardest things either of you will have to face in your lifetime. This is the end of your marriage. You’re entitled to be sad and mad and emotional and so is your spouse.
Let each other be authentic. It is not always about you and it is not always something you have control over or can fix. The only thing I ask is that you strive to listen to each other and allow each other to go through this experience in your own way.
What Your Kids Already Know
Kids are very smart when it comes to their parents. They pick up on all the subtle dynamics and non-verbal communications that are swirling around them. Be respectful of their intelligence and speak to them honestly about your relationship.
You do not have to tell them everything but always be honest. Answer the questions that they ask as completely as you can, but do not offer them information that they are not looking for. When they want to tell you how they feel and express their sadness, you do not have to try and make it better, just acknowledge that you hear them. Create the support system that they need. Their own pain and loss is theirs to learn to deal with just as you both need to address your own.
Using The Mediation Process As An Opportunity
During the mediation process you are being asked to communicate with each other in one of the most challenging situations that either of you will ever be in. If you can work with each other through this, you’ll find that you can be great parents together when it is over and you’ll be a stronger person in your own right.
As strange as it may sound, pursuing your divorce through the mediation process allows for personal growth and discovery; in yourself, with each other and with your children, in a way that most people would not consider.
For a parent, consider this next step as a way to develop a new and more authentic relationship with your children. You will have one-on-one time with your children that you may not have had before. Take the time to nurture this new dynamic. Strive to really listen to your children when you’re with them. Do not presume that you have to fix things for them. Most often, your children just want to be heard. So listen to them now that you have this time together; you will learn some extraordinary things.
With regard to your own self growth, think about the mediation process as an opportunity to be the person you want to be. I will ask each of you to advocate for yourselves where you may not have felt you had a voice in your marriage. Use the voice you want to have. Start to communicate in the way you want to be in your new life as a separate person.
Do your work. Otherwise, it’s just a change of location, it’s not a new life. And why leave your divorce without having challenged yourself to grow and learn? You’ll only end up repeating the same behaviors in your future relationships. Instead, learn from each other the ways that may have sabotaged your relationship. Explore news ways that will allow you to find extraordinary love and companionship going forward.